The Ramblings of a Pagan

halstrom @ 2009-08-26T16:11:00

2009-08-26T20:13:34Z

I'm going to back to school, and I'm going to be majoring in Computer Networking Microsoft Option. I'm really excited.

Dear Santa, lol

2008-12-03T17:00:36Z

Dear Santa...

Dear Santa,

This year I've been busy!

In May frank and I robbed a bank (-50 points). Last week I signed my organ donor card (28 points). In June on a flight to Vancouver, I stole the emergency flight information card (-40 points). In November I gave thepaganmafia a Dutch Oven (-10 points). Last Wednesday I caught a purse-snatcher who stole twinkstar2007's purse (30 points).

Overall, I've been naughty (-42 points). For Christmas I deserve a spanking!

Sincerely,
halstrom

How to Survive a Horror Movie

2008-10-12T19:12:15Z

From Slice of Scifi

When it appears you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it’s really dead.

Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.

Do not go search for something in the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.

If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not speak, or if they speak to you using a voice which is not their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you the grief in the long run. *NOTE* It will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared.

When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER pair off or go alone.

As a general rule, don’t solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

Never stand in, on, above, below, beside or anywhere near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum or any other house of the dead.

If you are searching for something which caused a loud noise and you find out it’s just the cat, leave the room immediatey if you value your life.

If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.

Do not take *anything* from the dead.

If you find a town which looks deserted, it’s probably for a good reason. Take the hint and stay away.

Don’t fool around with recombinant DNA technology unless you’re sure you know what you are doing.

If you’re running away from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it’s still moving fast enough to catch up with you.

If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, developing a fascination with blood, glowing eyes, foaming at the mouth and increasing hairiness, get away from them as fast as possible.

Stay away from certain geographical locations. Such as: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog, the Bermuda Triangle or any small town in Maine.

If your car runs out of gas late at night, don’t go to the nearby deserted looking house to call for help. Likewise if your car has broken down, and the only refuge for miles is that creepy old mansion/castle on the hill. Stay in the car.

Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, lawnmowers, butane torches, smoldering irons, band saws or any device made from deceased companions.

Listen closely to the soundtrack and pay attention to the audience. They are usually far more intelligent than you could ever hope to be.

Never listen to music that contains staccato shrieking violins.

If you are a woman, never strip and take a shower in slow motion.

Do not keep all your sharpened kitchen knives in one of those wooden block thingies on your worksurface.

The first woman to either lose or remove her clothing is dead meat.

The guy with the testosterone overdose is also dead meat.

Along with the guy that is always making jokes

When you are searching a house because you think there is something dangerous there, turn on the damn lights!

Never back out of one room into another without looking. It’s always behind you.

If you are traveling with friends, never let any hitch hikers into the van with you. It’ll be the worst (if not the last) day of your life.

Never babysit.There are enough babysitter-in-danger-thanks-to-a-stupid-killer flicks out there already.

If you ARE stupid enough to babysit, never try on the mom’s nightgown collection. You’ll only end up showing more skin. Remember: Skin=Death.

If you are being chased, never lean against the wall when you think you lost him. He’ll just pop through and kill you.

Same goes for leaning against the window.

If you are at your Senior prom, and the school reject has just won prom queen, slowly back away and run for the exit. All hell is about to break loose.

Always remember — SEX=DEATH!

For Other Life Saving Tips

If you are a stoner among other stoners, be the quiet one or the lovable one. All the other stoners will be killed.

If the killer has stalked you over the phone lines, don’t take a job as a phone counselor.

Never let someone hypnotize you at a party.

Stay away from sewers.

If you sense something is behind you, don’t bother turning around to check. Just run.

If you are trying to escape the killer, sliding through the cat door in the electronic garage door will not help you any.

After you manage to kill the monster/killer, never sit beside it and cry. It will suddenly pop back up to finish the job.

Never go to camp or become a counselor. You’ll be dead by the end of summer.

Never say “I’ll be right back.” You won’t be back. End of story.

Don’t ever do something just because someone dares you to.

If you ever visit some distant planet and find objects that look like eggs, LEAVE THEM ALONE!!!

Then when one of your spaceship’s crew members finds a hideous parasite attached to his body (as a result of breaking the pervious rule), don’t let him back on the ship.

When a hideous alien menace is hunting you (as a result of breaking the previous two rules) NEVER wander off alone to hunt for the ship’s cat.

If someone tells you to do or not to something (example: DON’T fall asleep, DON’T go out there, DON’T go look for the homicidal-chainsaw-wielding psychopath by yourself) by all means, LISTEN TO THEM!!

A small town’s little summer celebration might sound like fun. But if you hear the locals say things like, “Why you’re the guest of honor! We couldn’t even have the barbecue with out you!”, run like hell.

If you are trapped in a house surrounded by demons, making coffee will not help anyone.

Always be nice to the shy, quiet, unpopular girl in school.

Clowns never have, nor will they ever be helpful to hang around while in a horror movie. As harmless as the might seem, they WILL kill you once you let your guard down.

Never go back for anything you lost.

Avoid people with pointy teeh.

Avoid people with lots of facial hair.

Avoid people with pale complexions who sway and moan,

If the barber remarks on the “666″ tattoo your kid has, abandon the kid and move to Irkutsk.

If you see a burly man wearing a hockey mask and toting a chainsaw, DO NOT stick around to see if he’s with the Philadelphia Flyers.

Never buy your kid a toy that talks back.

Remember: Just say “NO” to human blood.

Never watch a horror movie while you’re in a horror movie.

Never, under any circumstance, plan a camping trip that coincides with Friday the 13th.

Pigs blood is not now, nor has it ever been funny.

If the young girls of the neighborhood start singing songs about boogeymen while jumping rope, consider moving.

If you hit a man with a car in the middle of the night and try to roll him off of a dock, make sure that he is dead!

Never EVER play with any Ouijia board that you find in the basement of your newly bought, run-down house.

Never run into a deserted graveyard at night,

If you are running away from the killer/monster, don’t even try to start the car. It doesn’t matter if the car is brand new, it won’t start.

If running from the monster/killer, try to make the least amount of noise possible. Especially if you are female. Panting, crying and screaming is not going to help you hide any better.

For pete’s sake…NEVER stick your hand down the garbage disposal. Especially if you just heard strange noises in your house or while sinister music is playing.

Don’t marry a guy that has Satan Worshippers as friends. They will want you to birth the new Anti-Christ.

Never answer the phone when you are babysititng. Just get the hell out of there and leave the kids for dead.

If you think you see your girlfriend/boyfriend and they are wearing a mask, not talking, or conspicuously hiding their face, it’s not them.

Don’t be mean to the new kid. They will just end up killing you.

If you hear a strange noise coming from upstairs that sounds similar to, oh let’s say a severed head falling to the floor, don’t go trying to find out what it is.

Never touch something that just oozed out of a comet that landed near an abandoned farm house.

When battling zombies, always sever their head or shoot them in the brain. If you they still want to eat you after that, just surrender. There’s no hope for you anyway.

Never wait until you NEED the gun to check and see if it’s loaded.

If you have to stay out in the woods or at camp you’re pretty much screwed. But at least you’ll have a fighting chance in the cabin. Never EVER take the tent.

Never try to unmask the killer.

Never hide in a closet.

If you buried your child in a strange place and he came back as a demon, DON’T bury your wife in the same place.

If you find the mangled body of a friend, camping partner, janitor, or whom ever, don’t stay and investigate. Run like hell.

Don’t spend a lot of time in houses decorated with an excessive amount of medivel weaponry. It will be used eventually.

Don’t make a documentary that requires you to hike through the woods while looking for a witch that leaves stick figures hanging in trees.

If you are going to the bathroom in a movie theatre and you think you hear a guy and a girl making out in the stall next to you, don’t put your ear closer to the wall to listen.

If you see a short guy wearing green and wearing a shamrock hat, I wouldn’t stick around to ask about his pot of gold.

Never transport the killer in an ambulance from one place to another. Even if they’ve been in a coma for 10 years, they’ll wake up.

Never listen to strange voices on the telephone.

Never say “Who’s there?”

If your hand has been possesed by the Force of Evil, do NOT chop off your hand. Doing so will merely allow the disembodied hand the freedom to wreak havoc independent of your body. And now you have to spend the rest of the film trying to track it down,

If you have a feeling you’ll end up being chased by zombies during the night, remember to wear comfortable running shoes.

After babysitting, don’t walk down any deserted streets with lots of trees and bushes, but no lights.

If you are a girl with long blonde hair, blue eyes and big boobs, well, you are pretty much screwed.

Always check the backseat of your car before you get in.

When running away from the killer/monster, NEVER run upstairs.

If you see someone who is within screaming distance while running from the killer/monster, for the love of god, SCREAM!!

If a giant shark is chasing your family, don’t go swimming. Actually, stay away from the water, period.

If you are babysitting, don’t let the kids play with the Chucky doll.

If one night you see a dark haired girl carrying around dolls with the eyes scratched out, back away slowly, then run like hell.

If you go to your school library and there are a lot of books having to do with vampires and demons…move away ASAP

If you are fleeing from a killer or supernatural being and you see a cop car, run right by it. There are three possible ways that things will turn out if you try to get the cops attention and none are good:

A. The cop is already dead in some gruesome way that will cause you to scream and alert the killer/monster as to where you are.

B. The cop will probably end up dead as he tries to help you, this will only distract the killer away from you for a few seconds, but chances are you will end up getting killed anyway.

C. The supernatural being has assumed the form of a cop and just when you
think you are safe…he will kill you.

If the locals say the camp is haunted, it probably is.

If people in your neighborhood have been disapearing and there’s talk about a surge of any type of insect…move. Stuborn home owners always die.

When and if you fall while running and the killer/monster is near you, don’t just sit there screaming like someone will hear you. Get up and RUN!!

Kill the Scientist. No matter what else you do, kill him off right away. They always want to study “it,” or take “it” back to the corporate masters, or learn from “it” at the expense of comrades lives. Eggheads are always trying to understand the unknown, and get nearly everyone killed doing it. Get a clue, kill the guy with the pocket protector, he’s going to sacrifice you anyway.

If the killer if after you and you somehow manage to knock him down,
don’t get up and run for help. Believe me, he will stay down much longer
after you kick him a couple times.

If the movie is directed by someone named Wes Craven or John Carpenter, you’re pretty much screwed.

If the killer/monster is dead, don’t dig up his grave to try to do a final resurrection. He will only come back to life.

If you disobey the previous rule, don’t try cutting off his head or anything
cheap. Stick a grenade in his mouth and run for it.

If the killer is standing three feet in front of you, don’t just stand there and scream while he comes running towards you. It may comes as a shock, but he DOES in fact want to kill you.

A female should never wear a white shirt without a bra while escaping the monster. It will only increase your chances of falling and causing a freak rainstorm that will make your shirt transparent and result in your immediate death.

If you live in Maine and your hometown includes a clown driving a car he calls Christine with a large ,rabid St. Bernard in the backseat, while residing in an old, haunted hotel near a strange Pet Semetary and hangs out with teenage girls with telekenetic powers….you’re pretty much screwed.

If you DO happen to get killed, make sure it’s in a cheap low-budget gore-fest with no plot, so you can come back and kick ass, no explanation needed.

The image is from: Best Horror Movies

halstrom @ 2008-07-22T14:45:00

2008-07-22T18:47:45Z

Your result for The "What Type of Intellectual are You?" Test...

The Scientist

You scored 56% empirical, 37% public, and 22% teaching-oriented

You are The Scientist!

Slavishly devoted to the principle of cause and effect, you never leave an assumption untested.

With the right resources, you can live in a paradise of experiments, happily isolated from the rest of the world.

Some "Scientist" types love the process, while others are driven by the results. The common feature is their vigorous independence. Your fellow scientists will be your only audience, and your harshest critics. But you'll get your accolades spiritually, every time someone says "I wonder how this works?"

Take The "What Type of Intellectual are You?" Test at HelloQuizzy

The What Middle Earth race do you belong to

2008-06-21T22:51:37Z

Your result for The What Middle Earth race do you belong to Test...

Elf

You scored 0% Size & Strength, 82% Morality, 59% Aggression, and 82% Intelligence.

You're an Elf! You scored low in size, high in morality, high in aggression and high in intelligence to get here. The first and favorite race created by the Valar, the Elves have been in Middle Earth for many ages, and are currently the only race allowed to join their creators in Valinor. Blessed with eternal life, enhanced senses, great beauty, wisdom and skill, the race of Elves still has several black marks on it. (Kinslaying, anyone?) But hey, no one is perfect, right? Of course not, but the Elves are damn close to it.

FYI, your polar opposite is the Troll.

Take The What Middle Earth race do you belong to Test at HelloQuizzy

A Firefox Lover's Guide to Opera

2008-01-26T19:16:09Z

A comprehensive review of Opera 9.5 beta by a former Firefox enthusiast. Includes an overview of all its features and a few tips for those who'd like to try it out and maybe make it their favorite browser.

read more | digg story

I'll turn this holiday around right now!

2007-10-30T17:48:06Z

A news article from The Philadelphia Inquirer

From: The principal of Paris Hilton Country Day School

To: Our esteemed parents

Re: Canceling Halloween forever. And ever.

With the pungent memory (and extensive smoke damage) of last year's Halloween uppermost in our minds, it is our considered opinion (and our legal counsel's expressed wish) that we forgo the holiday's celebration this and all subsequent years.

First off, we want to apologize to our pagan parents for the third grade's impromptu - and illegal - re-creation of the Salem witch trials.

That little Tiffany Pug pinched a nerve in her neck while being held in stocks and pummeled with tomatoes and Spanish textbooks was regrettable.

The curse she placed on the school, although imaginative, appears to be winding down. The last of the frogs and locusts should be out of the gym soon. Next time, the Pug family might consider a simple lawsuit.

And though we believe in fun, setting the glee club on fire for - as our young arsonists chanted - "Beelzebub's grand design" might have gone a little far. Let us stipulate that devil worship is no longer a recognized elective at Paris Hilton, having been discontinued after the soccer team disappeared.

On another matter, whoever performed the Halloween-night experimental surgery on our school mascot, Donny the Billy Goat, truly has a detention coming. Donny is now in a livestock-protection program at an undisclosed petting zoo.

Regarding costumes, perhaps it's time to end the tradition. When little Timmy Topanga showed up to class dressed as a food-borne illness, we all pretty much decided we'd had it.

Certainly, we were pleased that our young women enjoyed dressing up. But having half our female upperclassmen look like a Girls Gone Wild video was beyond the pale.

Even the female faculty came to school on Halloween looking like they worked at Hooters. What was wrong with a nice Mulan or Snow White costume?

By the way, good news. We're close to a credible explanation for why the cafeteria walls have been bleeding since last October. The exorcist we hired has proven quite capable.

No luck in finding the source of the otherworldly moans emanating from the walk-in freezer, however. And no, we don't believe chicken nuggets normally behave that way. Again, we're looking into it.

Also, we should say that, while we applauded the school radio station when it gave a nod to Halloween history and restaged Orson Welles' The War of the Worlds, things went too far when Mr. Brum's science class became so agitated by the broadcast that it swarmed and stomped him.

Please tell your children that Mr. Brum is not a Martian. That thing on his face is a gang tattoo.

This might be a good time to address a persistent and unfortunate rumor. It is absolutely untrue that the school is built on an Indian burial ground. Paris Hilton is, as we've patiently repeated, constructed on an EPA superfund site.

The sulfurous odor emanating from the basement is not, as our crybaby janitor claims, "the collected stench of 1,000 restless souls," but only the endless burbling of unstable chemicals that leached into the soil after the Army abandoned this location when a colonel in a weapons lab got vaporized.

We hope that puts your minds at ease. Happy Halloween everybody!

http://www.philly.com/inquirer/magazine/20071030_Ill_turn_this_holiday_around_right_now_.html

halstrom @ 2007-10-18T14:52:00

2007-10-18T18:58:28Z

Back in June, I said that I was Asatru. Well, since then, many things have changed for me. Due a great personal loss several days after my last post, I've been thinking a lot. Then, finally a month or so ago, it hit me, I was on the wrong path for. So, now, I'm just labeling myself as a Pagan seeker. I'm fascinated by the Greek pantheon, however, I am slow to call myself a Hellenic Polytheist, because I'm not willing to make that plunge yet.

What Pirate are You? (POTC Personality)

2007-06-13T04:03:43Z

What Pirate are You? (POTC Personality)

Norrington....you're wierd. You can be quite unpredictable. Though, in a sense, your spontaneaty makes you predictable. You take big chances, not all of them prevailent, and you try to keep your honor, no matter the cost.
Take this quiz!

About Me

2007-06-09T20:38:10Z

Well since this is my post here I think that I should tell you all a little about myself. Well, I'm 19 years old and I'm male. And I'm Pagan, well, Asatru to specific. I started on the path for only 14 days and I would love to find any new links that would help me learn about this wonderful faith.

While I am new to the Asatru faith, I am not new to Paganism. Before I got into Asatru, I was what you could call an eclectic Wiccan, however, due to some disagreements with certain members of the Gardnerian tradition, I decided that Wicca wasn't right for me at all!